so it came to pass afterall......the night..the big night of homecoming...and my grandma dies that morning....not only that..i'm not on great terms with people at the moment, but of course, it's my fault....it always seems to be my fault...just my opinion ...i'm so sad...i have never felt more alone than now...well i have Alex..and he's been with me through everything, and i am eternally grateful for that....seeming that i have a great fear of being alone....but that's another story for another day....
I miss my grandma so much..she practically helped raise me..and she was my oldest friend, and my longest friend, hell she was my first friend truly....and now..she's gone. ... i guess we truly don't appreciate life until death sweeps it out from underneath people, damn death...making me feel so alone....i went to her house today, grandma that is.., and just seeing her room empty,i couldn't take it...so many memories we have shared together...i remember when i was little, i would always crawl into bed with her, and watch tv and we would eat banana pudding, and put vanilla wafers into it..i remember recently we would sit on her bed and eat pickled okra(it's a black thing) and watch Matlock, and Mash...and talk about life...and now i open that door and never see her there....i've lost so many people..when i first heard she died..i was just numb...no emotion whatsoever...but today when i entered her room..i laid on her bed and began to sob....i know death is a part of life and all....but...why must it take the people closest to me...my mother, my uncles, all my family on my mother's side, and now my grandma...she was my last real grandmother alive..and now i have no more grandmother's except for my stepmothers........everyone is leaving me, and i can't do anything about it...friends, family, everyone....except for Alex that is....he is still with me..surprisingly..i'm so horrible, i don't know why he is still with me....after all of the drama that's happened..he deserves someone much better than i...but he still loves me....wow...well love is blind...
i don't know why i am writing this at 11 at night when i should be getting some sleep..to get ready for the viewing tommorow....ugh,..i've missed so much mock trial...i unno what to do anymore...okay...i need to go to bed...but i will write more prolly tommorow. love , peace and chicken grease!